Profound Dysphoria
by JK-Chan
Summary: What will you do if you're the only one left? Kanda's Past


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Disclaimer: -man belongs to Hoshino Katsura and anyone affiliated with the series.

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Author's Note: This is an old fanfic that was included in me and my friend's first collaborated _doujinshi_ (fancomic) -- she is a very good artist, by the way, and I'm lucky to be able to work with her. This fanfic is in addition to the humorous _doujinshi _about Allen investigating to find out what is really behind Lavi's eyepatch. We still have a few copies left, so don't hesitate to message me if you want to see the previews (not sure if we can post links in )!

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Story Note: This fanfic is created before Hoshino reveals Kanda's past -- I thought that my fanfic was dark enough, but turned out Hoshino made his past darker... poor Kanda...

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**~ PROFOUND DYSPHORIA ~  
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**DAY 1**

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They were there.

There were no sounds and no movements, but the boy knew they were there — those things…

…_demons_.

He wondered how long it would take until they could find him, a pathetic, quivering boy hiding inside the dark crook of a run-down shed. There was nowhere else he could go, and already he felt dead.

He quietly pulled his legs closer to his body and hugged them in order to stop his trembling hands, which only got worse as the silence grew. Biting his lip was a futile attempt, and suggesting himself over and over again that it was a dream — a mere trick of the mind — had long since convinced him. How long had he been thinking that it was all a dream, the boy thought. When people started acting weird? When those he knew disappeared mysteriously? When weird creatures started emerging and attacking all of the sudden?

… or was it when all he could see were decaying flesh and bones? Hundreds and hundreds of them, all piling up in the deserted street normally occupied by merchants and passer-bys.

Everywhere he looked, the revolting scenes of half-eaten carcasses greeted him, eyes fixed on the horror that took their life. No sounds coming out from their gaping mouths anymore, and the outstretched arms of some were the only reminiscence of their last effort to save themselves.

…But they failed.

The boy snapped his mind from his fancies. Those were real; all of them… and his situation now was as real. He tried to concentrate once more, to hear even the tiniest bit of movement. After all, it would be the end of him if the demons were near and he was trapped here.

… None.

He didn't breathe a sigh of relief; for fear that he would be caught off guard.

*creak!*

What was that?? The boy twisted his head to his right, eyes trying to adjust themselves to the pitch-black darkness. His breathing quickened as he tried to figure out what was causing the sound. Was it a demon? Was it here to get him? Kanda could here his labored breathing before he gasped and covered his lower mouth — what if it heard him?? He stayed deathly still and listened again:

Lub-dub.

Lub-dub.

Lub-dub.

That sounded strange yet familiar, did all demons sound like that? He listened again for a while until he felt a burning pain in his chest. Panicking, he let go of his hand and took a mouthful of air. Dizziness soon came, with light-headedness followed — he had forgotten to breathe...

… Kanda felt like crying, but he was once told that boys didn't cry, so he could only pray to whichever God who heard him that, whatever demise he was fated to get, it would be fast enough for him to see…

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**DAY 4**

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He stared at the unmoving fingers in front of him and wondered if they would move any time soon.

3 seconds…

5 seconds…

7 seconds…

The boy poked at them with mild interest — no movement. Was it asleep, then, he thought. Or perhaps they were nocturnal? After all, they were dead, and people always said to him that ghosts and monsters only roamed at night. Kanda decided to spare them one last glance before he turned his head towards a small patch of light at his left. He considered himself lucky to have found an abandoned house with an underground storage room; at least now the demons would have a harder time finding him — or so he wished.

Suddenly, he heard a growl coming from his stomach. He put his hand over his protesting belly and winced; he had forgotten when he last had his meal, it felt like a long time past. He glanced hopefully at the source of light and thought that, perhaps, it was all right now to go out. He needed food to survive anyway, and he really couldn't stand being cooped up with those decaying corpses any longer — the smell could as well kill him.

With a sharp sigh, the boy carefully pushed the wooden door and stepped outside, finally taking in fresh air after what felt like forever. He wondered what food he would be able to eat today… hopefully something fresh; he decided from previous experience that he didn't like the taste of rotten meat at all.

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**DAY 9**

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The boy didn't know how much longer he was going to be here and live like this, nor did he care anymore.

From what he saw these past few days, there were no humans left. The demons had totally invaded his hometown and killed or turned everyone into one of them. For all he knew, he might be the only human left...

Kanda toyed at the curious thing in his hand – a katana. He found it in one of his sanctuaries a couple of days ago. It seemed to give off a strange aura of its own, and so the child decided to take it with him – not that anyone would mind. It was a weird katana too; Kanda had seen a katana before, but never one with a black blade, not to mention the unfamiliar design on the scabbard. While the child was lost in his thought, suddenly he heard a human voice calling out from outside.

Wait. Human...?

Kanda snapped out from his thought and came to his feet. It couldn't be... there was no one else except him! Didn't he witness it himself that there were only the dead left? How could there be another human without the demons noticing? But then again, wasn't he also a survivor not yet caught by the demons? Maybe... Maybe there was another one like him... His hope rose up at once as he pushed open the wooden door and scrambled outside — katana in hand just in case. He rushed to the source of the voice and found an old lady on the ground with blood covering her whole face and body.

He was right after all, there was someone! He rushed to aide the elderly woman and see if she could still be saved. But just as the boy was about to check on her, her hand shot out and grabbed Kanda's arm. And when the child saw the sneer and the deformation on her face, he instantly knew that he was tricked.

A demon! his mind shouted. He tried in vain to make the creature let go of him, but the snickering demon wouldn't even budge. Kanda instinctively tried to pry the demon's now claw-like hand with his new-found sword, which resulted in a beastly yell from the demon the moment it touched the sword. But not a moment after, the demon swiped his other claw at the boy, which made him lose hold of the sword and let it fly across the room. The boy had only a moment to run to his sword before the demon grabbed him from behind and pushed him onto the floor. Kanda gasped when a rough grip was felt at his neck, suffocating him. He tried to pry it off, but was only rewarded by a maniacal laugh. His sight was getting blurry and he felt nauseatic, his hands were getting weaker and weaker. Was it his end? Would he join the others? Rotting and decomposing corpses lying on the street?

Kanda's eyes widened. No! He wasn't going to end like that! He tried once more to reach the katana. Dammit! Was it wrong for him to live?? He just wanted to survive! Why must the gods deny him of that??

"Kuso~!!"

Just as the boy was losing his consciousness, he saw a blinding light from beside him, and before he knew it, he was holding the katana in his hand. He immediately felt a rush of foreign energy circulating throughout his body. Strange signals and symbols started forming in his mind, and he could feel something controlling his movement. And soon, he found himself shouted, "Kaichuu ichigen!!"

He could feel the mechanical flesh being cut into two, and the shriek and blast that followed. What was happening, really? He didn't understand, he didn't *want* to understand. He just cut and cut and cut some more even though he knew the creature was no longer moving. Hot liquid was running down his face, but the boy kept on stabbing. The smell of oil-blood was overpowering him, and a wave of nausea hit him like cruel torrents. Sick... he felt sick... all of this was sickening to begin with...

He felt like both laughing and crying, mix of emotions no longer familiar to him. And just as he felt his consciousness really slipping away, he could hear something... Ah, another demon? He could kill them now... Yes, he was no longer a weakling who hid from them.

Now he could...

He could...

He...

The boy slumped down, sword clattered onto the floor with a loud 'clang', forgotten. For once in his life, he welcome the darkness that consumed him...

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**1 YEAR LATER**

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"So that is your new apprentice, General Tiedoll?" a female voice asked.

"Yes, I managed to find him on my trip to Edo," the said general answered, "the Innocence I brought flew away suddenly, and when I followed it, I found that boy lying unconscious."

"Edo?" General Cloud Nine said in mild amusement, "wasn't that place infested with akumas?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, he just killed an akuma before I arrived... looked really nasty too..." the man admitted with an almost sad look in his eyes.

"I see..." General Cloud Nine trailed off as she saw the silent boy standing not too far from them. He was holding a katana too big for his age with an unreadable expression plastered on his face. She thought she was imagining it, but she noticed that there were glints of hatred and mistrust as he watched the other members of the Order passing by.

The eyes of someone who felt betrayed by humanity... just what did he experienced before he got here, she wondered. Nevertheless, she smiled at the sulking boy and greeted, "Welcome to the Order."

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**~END~**

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